The Road Much Traveled, But Usually In Silence.

Hello, my friend.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not that I lack things to write about.  I have many things that usually come to me while I should be falling asleep and then forget in the morning.  Then I have no time during the day because... have you tried writing and concentrating while a 3 yo hobgoblin runs around wreaking havoc and blathering and grabbing at you all day??  I love my son very much, but he requires a lot of my attention and he is the most important thing to me.  He is coloring contently right now.  Quick!  Write!

So, I started taking medication again for my chronic severe depression and my anxiety disorder.  With no one to watch Alex for me, a therapist won't work for me right now.  I'm fine with that and so is my doctor.  So far it has been a great improvement, but I still have ups and downs.  Thankfully they aren't nearly so high and low as before.  It's still a struggle every day.  I forget how to human sometimes.  So I've started writing lists of things I'd like to accomplish each week and that seems to help.

I get out several times each week.  I enjoy taking my son to the library where I let him check out several books and movies for the week.  I read to him a story each night.  He really loves it and so do I.  :)  We also do the grocery shopping for the week every Friday.  Now that it's getting chilly outside, trips to the park aren't as often.  But we go for walks and he plays on the playground when we do go.

Even though my anxiety is as bad as it's ever been, I still put myself out there.  When everything in my body tells me to run away or freeze in a crowd.  I really try to keep going, to stay there in the present.  Sometimes I can.  Sometimes I can't.  When I can't, I feel like a huge failure and a burden on my family.  My husband is my rock though.  He can see when I begin to freak out.  He knows how to comfort me and ground me.  He holds my hands, helps me breath, stares into my eyes and I into his and I feel like I am ok again.  I really don't think I could live life without him.  I'd be a hermit somewhere in the mountains.  The kind where children tell stories of the witch of the mountains....

Anyway, I seem stuck.  I haven't been inspired to paint anything.  I haven't been inspired to craft anything.  I feel... empty.  Lost.  Nothing really excites me much.  There's nothing I really want in the world.  Nothing I want to do.  It just seems weird for me.  I've always been a creator.  Right now I am a nothing.

My birthday happened several days ago, and as always, I cried.  I hate my birthday.  Why?  Because my family always used to forget it.  Even my now ex husband would forget it.  I don't get birthday cards from anyone except from my husband. Of course his cards are very special.  My birthday is almost always devoid of joy.  And more times than not, spent alone.

I drink a lot of coffee.  I smoke a lot of cigarettes.  I'm up to 5-6 a day.  I know they are horrible. I know they stink.  I know they push people away and yet, they calm me and make me feel better when all the world seems to be passing by.  Do I want to quit?  Yes.  And No.  I am an addict... the answer is no.  I always want to feel better and as an addict, I hide my problem from the world.  I buy my and consume my habit in private.  I tell the doctors I don't smoke and never have.  We addicts keep it to ourselves because we know people will try to make us stop and secretly... part of us doesn't want to.

I am looking forward to Halloween.  We are taking our son trick or treating and it will be the first time I've dressed up for 15 years.  It should be fun.  I wish you all a safe and pleasant Halloween.

~RH