She was home sick from school, so she was alone in the house. Twelve year olds don't need babysitters, right? Her brothers and sister were at school. Her mom and her mom's boyfriend were at work. She was used to being home alone. She had done it for years, but those years were in the secluded mountains. She didn't realize living in the city (and in a bad area) would be so... different. Dangerous.
She had the sweetest boyfriend. They'd been together for almost a year at that time. She loved him. She didn't feel worthy of him, but she treasured him. She loved how he wore his favorite football team jacket. How he smelled like antibiotic soap, fresh air, sunshine and cars. They had only ever kissed and even though he was older by a couple years, he never pressured her into anything more. He was amazing.
Suddenly, a knock came at the door. It sounded just like her oldest brother's knock. She was tired, sick, young and naive. She got up, unlocked and pulled the knob slightly so her brother could come in. She didn't even check to make sure it was him. She just flopped back on the couch exhausted.
Huge mistake. It would haunt her forever.
She was wearing her pajamas, which were a long purple t shirt nighty, but nothing underneath, as she always did. It was just more comfortable to sleep that way and she hadn't changed her clothes from when she woke up that morning.
She looked over to talk to her brother, but was shocked to see that it was 2 older boys and her brother wasn't there. These guys were 17+ years old and hung out with her brother, but they were into drugs, stealing and she didn't know what else.
She would find out.
A blonde guy sat on the recliner near the couch she was resting on, but the tall dark haired one sat right next to her on the couch. He nearly sat on her feet. He grinned at her and spoke. Her skin crawled and she suddenly felt scared.
He asked her where her brother was. She told them she didn't know. The blonde guy snickered. The dark haired guy scooted closer. He smelled like stale cigarettes and b. o. He started making inappropriate remarks. He slid his hand up her nighty, groping his way up to her chest. She pushed and squirmed and protested. The blonde guy laughed, clearly amused. The dark haired groper laughed at the girl's indignant struggling and her unsuccessful attempt to push him away. He kissed her lips, licking her lips and teeth as she fought back. He roughly tugged up her pajamas while she desperately tried to keep herself clothed. He squeezed her bare breast underneath her pjs cruelly. All the while he was leaning over on her, pushing her down with his stronger body. She kept pushing and protesting. She was scared to death. This creep was going to rape her!
She would later learn that this piece of shit had already raped his own sister.
He laughed again then looked around as if he had heard something. He asked if her mom was home. She quickly lied and told him her mom and boyfriend were napping on the other side of the wall. His eyes went wide. The two teens made haste and left.
She ran and locked the door. She ran into her room and cried. She was disgusted. She felt violated. She felt gross, filthy... She showered in extra hot water until it ran out.
There was no way her boyfriend would forgive her. She really didn't deserve him now. These are the thoughts that went through her mind. She wasn't brave. She couldn't open up about things. She had been sexually abused when she was even younger. She was scared that all sex would be scary like this and weren't they heading toward this, her boyfriend and her? Weren't they getting more serious? She had to run. She had to hide. She's good at running, hiding and keeping things locked inside.
She called him up a couple weeks later to break things off. Why??! He wanted to know. She could not tell him. The words were locked away inside. Let's just be friends...
He was mad. He had every right to be. They didn't talk on the phone ever again. She held her pet rabbit, Shadow, and cried so many times. At one point she held a loaded gun to her head, Her finger on the trigger. She spiralled down into depression for the first time. Depression is chronic for her now as a grown woman.
All the boy and her would ever be from that point on is friends. (after the anger died down and the untrue rumors of what happened were forgotten)
She died inside. She accepted all the punishment. She felt she deserved it all. But she couldn't just let go. She couldn't stop caring about him. All she ever wanted was for him to live a happy life, even if it was not with her. She still hangs around in the outskirts of his life, just to know that he is happy. She is sorry. Sorry to be such a coward. It's too late for sorries... but it's not too late to unlock that horrible secret from her mind and let it fly away. It weighed so much after carrying it for 23 years...
I miss that girl sometimes. Not for her fear or insecurity, but the way she felt when she was with her friends and the sweet boy. Being young and carefree... She remembers the way he would walk with her, play in the snow at night with her, gaze at the stars with her. It still makes her smile when she remembers. She is simply glad to have fond memories like that.
In case you didn't realize by now...
This story is my own. In other words, the girl is me and this story is true.
May it help you find your own words that you may have locked away. It's never too late to let go of your burden. Not so that "they" can forgive you, but so that you can forgive yourself.
My path has led me to where I am in life and I am glad to be where I am. I am grateful and most of all, happy.
...And I forgive myself.
