The Road Much Traveled, But Usually In Silence.

Hello, my friend.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not that I lack things to write about.  I have many things that usually come to me while I should be falling asleep and then forget in the morning.  Then I have no time during the day because... have you tried writing and concentrating while a 3 yo hobgoblin runs around wreaking havoc and blathering and grabbing at you all day??  I love my son very much, but he requires a lot of my attention and he is the most important thing to me.  He is coloring contently right now.  Quick!  Write!

So, I started taking medication again for my chronic severe depression and my anxiety disorder.  With no one to watch Alex for me, a therapist won't work for me right now.  I'm fine with that and so is my doctor.  So far it has been a great improvement, but I still have ups and downs.  Thankfully they aren't nearly so high and low as before.  It's still a struggle every day.  I forget how to human sometimes.  So I've started writing lists of things I'd like to accomplish each week and that seems to help.

I get out several times each week.  I enjoy taking my son to the library where I let him check out several books and movies for the week.  I read to him a story each night.  He really loves it and so do I.  :)  We also do the grocery shopping for the week every Friday.  Now that it's getting chilly outside, trips to the park aren't as often.  But we go for walks and he plays on the playground when we do go.

Even though my anxiety is as bad as it's ever been, I still put myself out there.  When everything in my body tells me to run away or freeze in a crowd.  I really try to keep going, to stay there in the present.  Sometimes I can.  Sometimes I can't.  When I can't, I feel like a huge failure and a burden on my family.  My husband is my rock though.  He can see when I begin to freak out.  He knows how to comfort me and ground me.  He holds my hands, helps me breath, stares into my eyes and I into his and I feel like I am ok again.  I really don't think I could live life without him.  I'd be a hermit somewhere in the mountains.  The kind where children tell stories of the witch of the mountains....

Anyway, I seem stuck.  I haven't been inspired to paint anything.  I haven't been inspired to craft anything.  I feel... empty.  Lost.  Nothing really excites me much.  There's nothing I really want in the world.  Nothing I want to do.  It just seems weird for me.  I've always been a creator.  Right now I am a nothing.

My birthday happened several days ago, and as always, I cried.  I hate my birthday.  Why?  Because my family always used to forget it.  Even my now ex husband would forget it.  I don't get birthday cards from anyone except from my husband. Of course his cards are very special.  My birthday is almost always devoid of joy.  And more times than not, spent alone.

I drink a lot of coffee.  I smoke a lot of cigarettes.  I'm up to 5-6 a day.  I know they are horrible. I know they stink.  I know they push people away and yet, they calm me and make me feel better when all the world seems to be passing by.  Do I want to quit?  Yes.  And No.  I am an addict... the answer is no.  I always want to feel better and as an addict, I hide my problem from the world.  I buy my and consume my habit in private.  I tell the doctors I don't smoke and never have.  We addicts keep it to ourselves because we know people will try to make us stop and secretly... part of us doesn't want to.

I am looking forward to Halloween.  We are taking our son trick or treating and it will be the first time I've dressed up for 15 years.  It should be fun.  I wish you all a safe and pleasant Halloween.

~RH

The Battle

Hello my friend.

I have battled with depression most of my life. It's something that happen to my brain as I was developing. Most likely the abuse I suffered. It changed how my brain works... or made it so it doesn't work as it should. A normal brain has receptors that accept serotonin and those hormones that allow you to feel happiness and pleasure. My receptors get clogged and therefore stop me from feeling anything other than sadness or nothing at all during moments one should be. Add my anxiety disorder in there and all I feel is like an animal in a cage.

I recently got help. I went to my doctor and spoke with him. It's not the easiest thing to do, be it because of fear or pride or just sheer stubbornness. It is, however, necessary if you ever want to get better. We can't do everything ourselves. So, I am back on medication.

Today is day 3 of being back on my depression and anxiety medication and I see and feel a great difference. It feels like fog is lifting. I guess the best way I can describe it as when you lay on your arm and cut off the circulation, your arm falls asleep. It feels like my entire being was asleep and I'm just coming out of it. I see colors brightly again. I get a trance like pleasure when listening to music. I feel things again! You don't realize how deep you are in the pit until you're out of it.

If you feel helpless, lonely, sad, hopeless, you may have depression. Please, get help. Things DO get better. You CAN be your happy, fun loving self again. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength to be able to accept sometimes you can't do it all alone.

I will keep blogging my experiences. I hope it will help others who also suffer from mental illness. You are not alone. Your illness is valid. It gets better.

<3 R

Labels

Hello, my friend.

This blog makes me feel like I have a waterslide for my words to slide down.  It's easier and more fun than I expected!  Facebook, while it is a great place to share recipes and see pictures of your friend's kids, it's not really a great place to share your thoughts.  It seems like everyone is so angry that you may have a different point of view on something.  If we all had the same point of view, we would still believe the world is flat.  Some people still believe it is flat, but don't get me started on that.  Maybe on a different post.

Today is about labels.  The labels we stick on ourselves or other people and place them in the corresponding "group".  Here are some labels people like to plaster on others:

Vegan
Meat Eater
Goth
Tattooed person
Christian
Pagan
Troll
Druggy
Hippie
Fake
Man
Woman
Gay
Pansexual
Bisexual
this list could go on forever...

Why do we have to label things?  Is it the OCD in all of us?  Do we like to organize so much that we even organize our people?  Is it more of an us vs. them thing?  Maybe it's so we can judge people based on their labels?  Is it a way to foster community between people who share the same labels as you?

*sigh*  For some reason the labeling is getting to me.  We separate ourselves in so many ways already.  Do we really need to divide ourselves on these made up labels?  I'm not saying that the idea behind the label isn't real.  I am pansexual, tattooed and vegan myself.  Do I want to only know and be around other pansexual, tattooed, vegans?  No.  I want to be around any kind of person that is kind.  I don't care how smart they are, how rich, how popular they are.  If they are kind to me, I want to be their friend.  That being said, I pretty much left the "vegan" community.  And by leaving, I mean I ripped off the label even though it still fits me.  Why?  Because there were so many nitpicking, narcissistic jerks in those groups.  They will pick apart anything that isn't their idea of perfect.  "Your food isn't vegan enough." they say. "Your food is still unhealthy." they blather. "You're fat and giving the vegan community a bad image." they laugh.  Oh, my bad.  I thought being vegan was about things beyond yourself. My bad.  (not sorry) Seriously, go fuck yourself if you use veganism, or any other label, to make yourself feel superior to other humans.

I am what I am, but I don't like running around with the label tattooed on my forehead.  I will just be me and you can label your movies and books... you know, things that should be labeled instead of human beings.

All you good hearted people, you're my tribe.  No labels needed.

<3 R

My Anxiety Gives Me Anxiety.

Hello, my friend.

As I have mentioned before in my blog, I suffer from anxiety disorder.  If you don't know what that is, it means I am easily stressed and scared nearly all of the time.  Not just a normal kind of stress or scared.  No, it's abnormal scared and stressed, as in - I feel like I'm going to die.  It activates the primal part of my brain that tells me to fight, flee or freeze.  It will never go away, but I am able to live with it and , with help, am able to overcome my sheer panic to live a decent life.

Add into that PTSD and it's easy startle fun-ness and you get the splendor that is me.  Am I a veteran you ask?  No. And frankly, I find it rather annoying that some people believe it is something only people who have been to war can get.  No.  P is for Post as in "after".  T is for trauma.  Trauma includes any event that has occurred to you, be it sickness, rape, abuse, or any type of danger that can make your brain think you're going to die or suffer bodily harm. S is for Stress. D is for disorder as in mental illness.  PTSD is not curable and it never goes away.  You simply learn to function with it.  As to why I have PTSD, we'll talk about in another post later on.

Now, back to the anxiety.  I happen to have agoraphobia with it, but there are actually different types of agoraphobia.  While one person may fear leaving their house, mine is a bit different.  Mine involves the fear of crowds or larger groups of people.  I am unable to go to concerts, outdoor crowded events of any kind like festivals, or even stores that are packed on a Saturday afternoon.  I have tried on numerous occasions to just go with the flow and what happens is a full blown panic attack.  As much as I would like to pretend it's not there or I can just act normal if I wanted to, I can't.  This is a real mental illness.  There is no cure, only work arounds.

Let me describe what happened on one Black Friday at midnight in a Walmart.  I tried to go with the flow.  Everything seemed fine, people were calm and then the buzzer went off and what happened can only be described as piranha attacking a chunk of meat. People were scrambling, grabbing at stuff, bumping into me, yelling, screaming, trampling.  You could not move without pushing a huge wave of people.  It was at that very moment I realized I had made a grave mistake.  I freaked... the fuck... out.

I bolted and just started running away toward the door, pushing people trying to get out.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and I'm pretty sure I had this look on my face:

I was crying and I'd lost my only lifeline, my husband David, in the crowd.  I haven't gone to another Black Friday sale again, nor will I.

Some days I am better with the anxiety than others.  Some people try to avoid the stress, but I really love going to the farmers market to get fresh veggies, hear live music and see all the handcrafted food and treasures.  So, I try to arrive earlier than other people so it's not too crowded.  Even then, I can get overwhelmed and begin a meltdown.  Thankfully, my husband is very understanding and he can recognize when I'm becoming panicked or overwhelmed and he reminds me to stop in a quiet corner, take some deep breaths, calm down and then continue on if I am ready.  If I can't calm down, we leave, but that rarely happens.

Along with the anxiety comes a really embarrassing problem.  Sweat.  Not just like a dab here and there.  No.  Anxiety Renny has buckets and buckets of sweat that drench hair, face and clothes and make it look like I just came from a water park or a shower.  The sweat from the anxiety makes me more anxious so I sweat more.  It's the circle of liiiiiiife...  no, I mean the it's the circle of sweaaaaaatttt.

There's medication for that, you may say....  YES!!! There is!  But it makes you addicted to it and I think we already read how pills are bad for an addictive personality such as myself.  I used to take those anxiety pills.  They are horribly addicting and also bad for you. I use Saint John's Wort sometimes, but it does nothing for anxiety, it's more for my chronic depression, but more on that later.

So, this leads to what medication DOES work for my anxiety.  Nicotine.  Something else that will likely kill me and is bad for me, but I control the dosage, I don't have to go to some quack to prescribe it to me.  I don't have to talk about my feelings to some stranger.... oh wait.  lol  I use a vapor and I buy my e-liquid from online sellers who make it themselves with vegetable ingredients.  It doesn't smell as bad, but it also doesn't work as well.  It's a lesser of two evils sort of thing.

If you too suffer from anxiety, I would love to hear from you.  If you can relate or need an understanding friend, here I am.  :)

As always, with love,

<3 R

For Shame

Hello, my friend.

Why is shaming other people an acceptable pastime?  Do we really feel so bad about ourselves that we have to put other people down?  Is our society really so shallow?

Every single day I see people shaming other people.  They may not even realize they're doing it.  Maybe they are genuinely unable to comprehend the harm in what they say.  Maybe they have that dreaded "foot in mouth" syndrome where you speak before you think.

Body shaming - Someone does not meet your standard of what is appealing to look at.  Hey, guess what?  That's your problem, not theirs.  That is their body, not yours.  They can do whatever they want to and with their body so long as it doesn't harm anyone else.  You're displeasure at what you see is not harm, because you are doing it to yourself by choosing to see ugliness where others see beauty.

Food shaming - Someone eats junk food or food you don't agree with.  You tell them to eat healthier.  Hey, guess what?  Their body and their diet are none of your business.  "I'm just trying to help them make better choices", you may say.  Oh.  Did they ask for your help?  No?  Then shut up!  Mind your own damn business.

Meat Eater shaming - "But you're a vegan," you say.  I'm not a public speaker. I will live by example.  Have people responded to my way of doing things?  Yes.  I have had several friends ask me about the vegan lifestyle or how they can help the planet and animals. When they see for themselves and seek help or guidance, I am there.  Every little bit helps. If you do meatless Mondays, I applaud you.  I applaud anyone who makes a conscious effort to do less harm.  I'm an introvert with PTSD and anxiety disorder.  As much as I love animals, I am not aggressive about it.  There are other people who are much better at that and I cheer them on from the sidelines.  We both do our parts.  If you are kind, I'm your friend, even if you eat meat.  But if you ever want to change that, I'll help you.  I was a meat eater too at one time.

Spelling and grammar shaming - Does it ring out in my head like a giant gong when I see a spelling error on a meme.  Hell yes.  Do I sit there and waste time pointing it out?  No.  At this point in their life, that person is never going to learn how to use proper spelling and grammar if they haven't already.  Who am I to judge them?  Maybe they have dyslexia, you don't know.  Also, they aren't in school, they're on social media and you aren't their teacher... are you?  Some people can't spell to save their lives.  If they are kind, I don't care if they can't spell.  I love them anyway.

Tattoo/piercing shaming - So, get this.  I was in a group where they were talking about tattoos and it escalated into tattoos and piercings being self-harm. No.  Just No.  First of all, I am someone who self-harms.  I have cut myself on purpose.  I haven't in a long time, but the compulsion to self-harm is still there during times of extreme stress.  I also have piercings and tattoos.  Self-harming has a lot of misconceptions surrounding it.  It is not a teen-only problem.  People who self-harm do not have a higher rate of hurting others.  Self harmers do not "do it for attention".  Most cutters hide the fact that they cut.  Why do they cut?  Because sometimes you hurt so bad inside, pain on the outside makes it hurt a bit less.  Now, tattoos and piercings are a way of adorning, decorating ourselves.  It is not the same thing at all!  Self harm - you hate yourself and your body.  Tattoos/piercing - you love yourself and your body.  Stop shaming people for it.  Not your body.  Not your business.  though if you happen to see cuts on a loved one's arm... don't get angry.  Don't make them feel worse.  Tell them you are sorry they hurt so much to do that.  Be there for them.  Encourage them.  Love them.  Help them.

This is already getting very long.  There is too much judgement being thrown around.  If you find yourself harshly judging another people take a moment.  Ask yourself who do you think you are to be making a judgement about someone.  Have you lived their life?  Thought their thoughts?  Felt their feelings?  No.  Stop judging people and mind your own business.

I love all of you, regardless of how you look outwardly.  Your heart is all that matters to me. You are all beautiful.

<3 R

I am the phoenix.

Hello.

I am a very quiet person with trouble speaking up sometimes.  I am used to being talked over, ignored, forgotten.  Well, try talking over me on my own blog.  ;)

It occurred to me that I have experienced a lot in my life.  Things that would destroy other people. So, why not share my life with you?  Maybe you need to know you aren't alone.  Maybe I just need to let it out and stop keeping it as a festering, stinking secret.

I am going to be turning 36 years old this year. I am a mother, wife, artist.  I have PTSD, anxiety disorder and chronic severe depression.  Let me make something clear for you, I refuse to have anyone feel sorry for me.  This is not a pity party.  This is a reality check.  Life is full of shit.  Of the certainties in life of death and taxes, include shit happening.  It's a guarantee.

On top of those mental illnesses, I also have asthma and migraines.  With this blog, I will be taking you on a journey through my life.  I warn you, it's sad, ugly and heartbreaking.  It is also beautiful, strong and full of love.  It is MY truth.

I have been reborn many times.  I am the phoenix.  I am Renny.