The Battle

Hello my friend.

I have battled with depression most of my life. It's something that happen to my brain as I was developing. Most likely the abuse I suffered. It changed how my brain works... or made it so it doesn't work as it should. A normal brain has receptors that accept serotonin and those hormones that allow you to feel happiness and pleasure. My receptors get clogged and therefore stop me from feeling anything other than sadness or nothing at all during moments one should be. Add my anxiety disorder in there and all I feel is like an animal in a cage.

I recently got help. I went to my doctor and spoke with him. It's not the easiest thing to do, be it because of fear or pride or just sheer stubbornness. It is, however, necessary if you ever want to get better. We can't do everything ourselves. So, I am back on medication.

Today is day 3 of being back on my depression and anxiety medication and I see and feel a great difference. It feels like fog is lifting. I guess the best way I can describe it as when you lay on your arm and cut off the circulation, your arm falls asleep. It feels like my entire being was asleep and I'm just coming out of it. I see colors brightly again. I get a trance like pleasure when listening to music. I feel things again! You don't realize how deep you are in the pit until you're out of it.

If you feel helpless, lonely, sad, hopeless, you may have depression. Please, get help. Things DO get better. You CAN be your happy, fun loving self again. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength to be able to accept sometimes you can't do it all alone.

I will keep blogging my experiences. I hope it will help others who also suffer from mental illness. You are not alone. Your illness is valid. It gets better.

<3 R